Infertility PSA

“I don’t know why people say this kind of stuff to me,” my friend stated on the phone this morning.  She continued, “It’s so hurtful and it makes me feel crazy.” 
I could completely relate.  It feels like not so long ago that I shared the same words with any person willing to listen, including but not limited to:  Chris, My Mom, co-workers, friends, doctors, grocery store clerks, waiters, my hair stylist, Wal-Mart employees, and our drycleaner.

Infertility…it stinks.  You feel sadness and disappointment for a laundry list of reasons.  Unexpectedly, it comes from family and/or friends attempting to comfort you, because they love you.   We had this discussion in one of our adoption meetings.  We agreed the following list of comments made us want to punch people in the eye.

1.      “It’s God’s will you haven’t had a baby yet.” Splendid.  My body is working against me, and now God and I are having a disagreement about whether or not I should conceive?  No one believes in the power of God’s will more than I do.  However, I can assure you there is nothing less comforting to a couple struggling with infertility than the sentiment that God isn’t ready for them to bring a baby into their family. 

2.      “My spouse and I get pregnant just by looking at each other.” And/Or, “We always get pregnant on our first try.”  Fantastic.  I could not feel more excited for you than I do at this very moment.  I have urinated on over 10,000 ovulation sticks and 5,000 pregnancy tests.  We have spent approximately $25,000 on fertility treatments.  I have a small pharmacy of hormones in my medicine cabinet.  Let me go throw myself in front of a bus while you and your spouse look at each other.

3.      “Just adopt!  You’ll get pregnant for sure!” Liar, liar, pants on fire. I always hesitate to tell people that The Trifecta was conceived after we began the adoption route.  The process is brutal; paperwork, questionnaires, essays, letters of recommendation, required reading, physicals, and financial commitments. We met a wonderful couple in our adoption class.  She couldn’t speak to me after we found out we were pregnant.  I do not blame her.  I’ve been there. As crazy as it sounds, you feel betrayed when you befriend someone else experiencing infertility, share your thoughts and feelings with them, find comfort in the common struggle …and then they get pregnant. Chris still maintains contact with her husband via email.   They have not conceived a child yet.  They have had two adoptions fall through at the last minute.  That was five years ago.

4.      “Have you thought about taking a vacation?  I think you just need to relax.” That’s a phenomenal idea.  I would love a holiday from the daily chore of taking and tracking my temperature before moving a muscle and/or empting my bladder.  Relax?  My muscles are a little tense right now.  You see, the reproductive endocrinologist just poked me with 150 needles and shot ink up my privates to make sure my ovaries aren’t clogged.   Or maybe I’m feeling edgy because the Clomid I’m taking gives me hot flashes that resemble the fires of hell?  My vagina just told me she’s exhausted and wants to go to the beach.  I’m thinking Antarctica.

5.      “Have you tried ____?” Acupuncture?  Eating red grapes?  IVF?  IUI? Hormones? Vitamin B-12?  Apple cider vinegar baths? The Infertility Diet?  Robitussin Cough Syrup?  Howling at the moon? Let me think for a moment…I spend 3-5 hours a day on the internet reading blogs, visiting infertility chat rooms, and searching for the article that will “fix” my problem.  Yes.  I’m pretty sure I’ve tried just about everything at this point.

Infertile couples aren’t perfect either. I believe infertility makes you crazy.  After our miscarriage and during our struggle to conceive I was a nightmare.  I made hurtful comments to pregnant friends.  I isolated dear and wonderful people in my life, while they were expecting, because I was jealous and sad. I deeply regret my actions and behavior during that time in my life. 

To those who know and love someone experiencing infertility, I offer the following advice: just listen, just love them.

Disclaimer:  No one elected me the official spokesperson of infertile women and men (yet).   My thoughts, opinions, and experiences are in no way those of every infertile woman and man.  Please don’t punch me in the throat.