Sunday, December 29, 2013

Dear Brad Pitt...


 
Today my Facebook page blew up with comments about Brad Pitt’s love letter to Angelina Jolie.  Everyone really, really, REALLY loved it.  Except me.  This letter left me sweating in discomfort.  First of all, is this letter even real?  Did he really write it?  Here is a link to the letter in case you have not read it yet:
http://couplesandco.blogspot.se/2013/12/i-lost-hope-and-thought-that-well-get.html

Let’s pretend he wrote the letter.  Also, let’s pretend someday he wants to marry me. I do not want to marry him, though I would love access to his full time nannies, chefs, and choose your own adventure vacation homes.  I love Chris Jackson.  But we are pretending.  And since we are pretending, here is all Brad Pitt needs to know to keep me happy.
Dear Brad Pitt,

1.      You do not need “to pamper me with flowers, kisses and compliments.” Indulgence for me these days is a hot meal.  Do you remember that one time in “Ocean’s 11” when you got to eat all those delicious nutrients in Las Vegas?  Your character, Rusty, did a lot of snacking and meal eating. I want to sit at a table without having to: a) get up to fetch more ketchup, milk, strawberries, and/or cheese sticks b) ask the question, “what do you say after you burp?” c) referee a disagreement d) answer questions about human body functions and/or anatomy e) use the words, “please come back to the table and have ONE bite of food.”

2.    You “gave Angelina lots of gifts and lived just for her.”  The only gift you need to give me is the gift that keeps on giving.  The. Gift. Of. Sleep.  Do you remember that one time when you did the movie “The Curious Case of Benjamin Button” and you were born as an elderly man and then you grew into a baby?  Didn’t you just love sleeping like a baby?  I want to sleep like a baby too. I’m talking 8-12 hours of uninterrupted bliss in stage 5 of the sleep cycle.  Take me to the land of Rapid Eye Movement dreamland.
 
3.   You “incorporated all themes in her direction.”  I do not even know what this means.  However, I love themes.  Specifically, themes in books and literature.  It’s been a long time, Brad, since I’ve been able to sit and read a good book.  Do you remember that one time in “Burn After Reading” when you pretended to be Chad the personal trainer who believed he discovered government information?  I do not think Chad enjoyed reading very much in that movie.  However, I love to read all sorts of glorious works of fiction and non-fiction.   So throw some of those themes my way and let me read and read and read and read and read.

4.      You “praised her in front of her own and our mutual friends.”  I’m going to go out on a limb here and betcha that when you praised her she was wearing clean clothes.  I recall in “Legends of the Fall” your character Tristan…was very fun to look at on the big screen.  But I digress, I don’t need praise.  I need a laundress.  Someone to tackle the pile of laundry the size of Mt. Rushmore.  Someone to collect it, sort it, wash it, dry it, fold it, and put it away.  That would be awesome.  That would keep my mental health in check in a BIG way.

Please feel free to contact me, Brad Pitt, with any additional questions about things that make me happy.

Love,

Amy Elizabeth Nichols Jackson

It’s a good thing I’m married to Chris Jackson.  That guy makes me happy.