Loss

I didn’t realize until today that I have (at least) four things in common with Michelle Duggar.

1)      We have both declared Christ as our Savior.

2)      We both cherish the lives of our children.

3)      We both write when we don’t know how to pray.

4)      We have both experienced the incredible and indescribable loss of a child.

I should have been concentrating on folding laundry today, but I turned on the television.  “19 Kids and Counting” projected on the television screen.  Michelle and Jim Bob were anxiously and excitedly waiting for the ultra sound technician to determine the sex of their unborn child.  The baby’s heart no longer beat inside Michelle. She wept.  She prayed.

I could relate.

Most people know that Chris and I walked the difficult road of infertility.  Many people do not know that two years before the girls were born, we lost a child.  Just like Michelle and Jim Bob Duggar, Chris and I anxiously and excitedly waited as my OBGYN conducted the ultrasound.  When he could not find a heartbeat he sent us to an office with a stronger, state of the art piece of equipment.  It didn’t find a heartbeat either.  Almost six years and a set of triplets later, Chris and I still haven’t recovered from that loss.

I was not as gracious and forgiving as Michelle Duggar.  She recited Job 1:21. “The Lord giveth and the Lord taketh away.  Blessed be the name of the Lord.”  I cursed God. I didn’t speak to Him for several days.  I felt angrier than I had ever felt in my whole life.

We sought guidance and support from our church. Rev. Suzanne Smitherman counseled us.  She planned and facilitated a small memorial service for our baby.  And, she wept with us. 

I still didn’t feel better.                                                                                

I found myself sitting on the bed today, crying as Michelle Duggar recounted the events of her loss.  “It never leaves you,” I said out loud, though I know she couldn’t hear me.  I still think of our baby all the time. Sometimes I am driving in the car.  Sometimes I see a child that is about the same age she would have been and I feel a sharp pain in my stomach. Sometimes one of the girls will laugh, or smile a certain way and I wonder what her laugh or smile would sound like or look like. She left me on August 4, one day before my 31^st birthday.  That day hurts. Her due date was February 28^th. That day hurts too.

I was shocked to learn that 19% of the adult population has experienced the loss of a child (from miscarriage through adult-age children).   Statistics vary from source to source, but approximately 1 in 4 pregnancies end in miscarriage.

I didn’t discover this resource until Chris and I began the adoption process, but I would like to share this on the blog today for anyone who is struggling with infertility or pregnancy loss.  I still subscribe to the publication.

http://step.bethany.org/

Michelle Duggar has 19 other children.  I have a Tiny Toe Trifecta. I know we are both grateful and blessed beyond anything we deserve.  But we both feel a terrible sense of loss.