I AM JEALOUS OF YOU

I’m super thankful Al Gore invented the World Wide Web.  I am thankful for the WWW because without it, Mark Zuckerberg would not have invented Facebook. Some people want to stay off the grid.  I am not one of those people (yet).  I love Facebook.  As someone who has moved 14 times in 38 years, it has allowed me to stay connected with friends I have left behind geographically.  For example, I found my very first best friend from Charlottesville, VA on Facebook.  We met in kindergarten.  Our mothers taught school together.  She is a brilliant photographer in New Mexico now.  This makes me happy.

But I must confess; Facebook does not always bring out the best in me.  I have found my skeletal system growing more and more jealous bones.  It’s not something I’m proud to admit.

So, last week when I overheard two mothers discussing the concept of jealousy, I had to tune my eavesdropping ears into the conversation.  They were not discussing Facebook though.  They were discussing, “How do you help your children deal with jealous feelings?”  One of the mothers had read, somewhere, the strategy of teaching children how to make “statements of jealousy.”  She thinks it works.  She believes it has helped her daughter share her feelings and work toward self-acceptance. 

I’m going to try it.  Here I go. I made a list of things that make me jealous on Facebook.

1) Status update:  YAHOO!  Couldn’t be happier that the University of Awesomeness just defeated our rivals 954 to 6!

Statement of jealousy:  Sportsmanship is not one of my strengths.  I can only feel happy when the Texas Aggies, Vanderbilt Commodores, or MTSU Blue Raiders win.  I want no other teams to experience victory.  If Alabama plays LSU, I want both teams to suffer defeat. It could be football, basketball, NCAA Women or NCAA Men.  Or, it could be a United Nations simulation.  When your team wins, I feel jealous.

 

2) Status update:  Check out this nutritious and delicious meal I prepared in just under 6 hours.

Statement of jealousy:  I feel like a champ when I microwave organic chicken nuggets.  When you post pictures of the healthy meals you are preparing for your family from scratch using organic vegetables you grew in your garden with meat you cut from an organic cow, I feel jealous.

 

3) Status update:  Enjoying a super fun night out with my closest gal pals!

Statement of jealousy:  I don’t care if I haven’t seen you in 25 years. When you order food from a menu that someone else prepares for you and you don’t have to jump up 17 times to refill milk and/or cut up more strawberries and no one tries to steal food off your plate while you enjoy adult conversation and company, I feel jealous of you.

 

4) Status update:  Just finished my morning run!  Only ran 19 this morning!  Got my long run scheduled for this weekend!  May or may not make it to yoga after my boot camp class!

Statement of jealousy:  I want to be a super awesome exerciser and fitness person.  However, I am not.  When you burn 10,000 calories or complete an intense isometrics and/or bodybuilding session, I feel jealous.

5) Status update:  Baby Moonbeam just read her first Hunger Games novel!  I can’t believe she’ll finish the trilogy before her fourth birthday!  Maybe we can convince her to put down her algebra textbook long enough to analyze her wheat samples under the electron microscope!

Statement of jealousy:  I want all children to achieve success to the best of their potential.  When your kid reads War and Peace on her second birthday or counts to 1 million while he waits for his salad to arrive at the dinner table while The Trifecta run around in their underwear and build forts out of couch cushions, I feel like I gave birth to Tom Sawyer and Huckleberry Finn.  And that makes me jealous.  But happy for you.

 

6) Status update:  Hubby and I having such a super great time together on our vacation to sunny Detroit!

Statement of jealousy:  I totally own the fact that Chris Jackson and I have not been away from The Trifecta overnight since they were born.  Chalk it up to the fact that I can’t stand vertically, form a complete sentence, or function properly by the time we tuck their precious bodies into bed at night.  If I can barely make it, and I’m their mama, I don’t feel right asking someone else to live the dream.  When you go on vacation with your spouse/partner/sugar-mama/boy-toy, I feel jealous.

 

7) Status update:  Check it out!  Baby on the way!  Thor barely breathed on me and I’m pregnant!

Statement of jealousy:  I want to live in a permanent state of pregnancy and have at least 20 children.  This has not and will not happen for reasons both divine and logical.  When you get pregnant, I feel a little jealous…but sincerely over joyed for you too.

So now I’ve done it.  I’ve confessed my jealous feelings.  I hope you still want to be my friend.