Today my Facebook page blew up with comments about
Brad Pitt’s love letter to Angelina Jolie.
Everyone really, really, REALLY loved it. Except me.
This letter left me sweating in discomfort. First of all, is this letter even real? Did he really write it? Here is a link to the letter in case you have
not read it yet:
http://couplesandco.blogspot.se/2013/12/i-lost-hope-and-thought-that-well-get.html
Let’s pretend he wrote the letter. Also, let’s pretend someday he wants to marry
me. I do not want to marry him, though I would love access to his full time
nannies, chefs, and choose your own adventure vacation homes. I love Chris Jackson. But we are pretending. And since we are pretending, here is all Brad
Pitt needs to know to keep me happy.
Dear Brad Pitt,
1. You do not
need “to pamper me with flowers, kisses and compliments.” Indulgence for me
these days is a hot meal. Do you remember
that one time in “Ocean’s 11” when you got to eat all those delicious nutrients
in Las Vegas? Your character, Rusty, did
a lot of snacking and meal eating. I want to sit at a table without having to: a) get up to fetch more ketchup, milk, strawberries, and/or
cheese sticks b) ask the question, “what do you say after you burp?” c) referee
a disagreement d) answer questions about human body functions and/or anatomy e)
use the words, “please come back to the table and have ONE bite of food.”
2. You “gave
Angelina lots of gifts and lived just for her.”
The only gift you need to give me is the gift that keeps on giving. The. Gift. Of. Sleep. Do you remember that one time when you did
the movie “The Curious Case of Benjamin Button” and you were born as an elderly
man and then you grew into a baby? Didn’t you
just love sleeping like a baby? I want
to sleep like a baby too. I’m talking 8-12 hours of uninterrupted bliss in
stage 5 of the sleep cycle. Take me to
the land of Rapid Eye Movement dreamland.
3. You “incorporated
all themes in her direction.” I do not
even know what this means. However, I
love themes. Specifically, themes in
books and literature. It’s been a long
time, Brad, since I’ve been able to sit and read a good book. Do you remember that one time in “Burn After
Reading” when you pretended to be Chad the personal trainer who believed he
discovered government information? I do
not think Chad enjoyed reading very much in that movie. However, I love to read all sorts of glorious
works of fiction and non-fiction. So throw some of those themes my way and let
me read and read and read and read and read.
4.
You “praised her in front of her own
and our mutual friends.” I’m going to go
out on a limb here and betcha that when you praised her she was wearing clean
clothes. I recall in “Legends of the
Fall” your character Tristan…was very fun to look at on the big screen. But I digress, I don’t need praise. I need a laundress. Someone to tackle the pile of laundry the
size of Mt. Rushmore. Someone to collect
it, sort it, wash it, dry it, fold it, and put it away. That would be awesome. That would keep my mental health in check in a BIG way.
Please feel free to contact me, Brad Pitt, with any additional questions about things that make me happy.
Love,
Amy Elizabeth Nichols Jackson
It’s a good thing I’m married to Chris Jackson. That guy makes me happy.
